A Letter To My Pandemic Self
Dear Me,
Congratulations, you’ve made it to month 11 of the pandemic!
When we first went into lockdown last March you thought to yourself, “This is going to be great! How hard could it be?”
You were looking forward to spending more time at home to read, write, experiment in the kitchen, learn a language, learn to play guitar, re-learn to play the piano, start a business, etc.
You had plans to make the best of this pandemic.
But you didn’t expect it to be THIS hard.
You’ve been fortunate to be able to work from home since the start of the pandemic. It’s been an anchor of normalcy — something to maintain some semblance of a routine, and help the day pass by. If it weren’t for work…I’m not sure you would have made it out of bed the last few months.
I see you negotiating with the alarm each day, hitting the snooze button one more time than the day before. You’re testing the limit of when you’ll need to wake up and still start your day on time.
I also hear you contemplating calling in sick each day to stay in bed.
If you think you need a day or two off…why don’t you take it?
Why do you feel so guilty about taking care of yourself?
Lately, I’ve noticed you’re having a hard time focusing. One minute you’re working on a task, the next, you’re involuntarily picking up a book to read. But mostly, you stare blankly at your computer screen for minutes on end while your legs bounce restlessly.
Are you anxious? What’s on your mind?
And then there are those emails you’ve been sending out. You know the ones. The ones where your sentences are incomplete, nonsensical, and riddled with spelling mistakes.
Like I said before, maybe you need a break.
When 4:30 pm finally rolls around, you’re free (but not quite, because we’re still under a stay-at-home order)! You turn off your laptop and make your way downstairs.
You’re exhausted. You’re unmotivated.
Too exhausted and unmotivated to:
- Go for a walk or exercise
- Cook yourself a healthy meal
- Do light housework
- Do your physio exercises
- Take your vitamins regularly
Lately,
You just can’t be bothered to make good decisions.
Instead, you plop yourself on the couch, lay a soft blanket over you, and spend your downtime binging Netflix, eating junk food, and taking naps…always feeling guilty about it afterwards.
You know you’re not alone in this, but you can’t help but think nobody knows how you feel or what you’re going through.
Therapy (by phone) helps, but only so much. Medication helps, but only so much.
Speaking of feeling alone, being single during a pandemic has been…well, weird.
Your brother and his girlfriend are living with you right now, so it’s not about being physically isolated.
Yet, you can’t help but feel so lonely.
You appreciate that you have them both to talk and interact with, but you feel like the awkward third wheel in your own home.
Like I said…it’s weird.
You reactivated your Bumble and Hinge accounts, but you’re not entirely sure why. You loathed online dating before the pandemic, but it seems like the only option these days. Maybe it’s because your biological clock ticks so loudly in your eardrums it gives you a headache you can’t ignore.
You’ve got a couple of matches. Now what? Is there even a point to this? If you’re following public health guidelines you can’t meet up, but they also say “if you must have sex, do it with a mask”. Nothing sounds more romantic than masked sex (now that's a tongue twister!).
Thanks but no thanks…I think I’ll stay home.
This pandemic has been HARD for so many reasons, and a lot of things don’t make sense.
I find an ounce of comfort in knowing,
it’s okay to not be okay.
One day, we’ll get the green light to hug, kiss and infiltrate each others’ social bubbles again.
But until then…
Signing off to take a nap,
May
